Buddy System, Your Tax Dollars at Work
Originally conceived as a hazing ritual for the bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms (and Young.) Christian Rawk, Phallice Cooper, Phil Colinswood a.k.a. Buddy System soon fled upon discovery that the mission of the ATF&Y was one of control and not proliferation. "It's just not the same anymore," says Rawk "I mean I haven't seen anyone smoking around here since Waco." After leaving the organization Buddy System teamed up with song writing legends (Martha) Plimpton and (Dean) Koontz to record "The Hunt for Fred October," arguably the greatest album ever by a government agency. "We've never taken off our suits," says magnanimous Phil Colinswood "But if you can't afford it, bitch go hire the A-Team.
The Uncultural Revolution
The rumors are all true. The original line up of the Buddy System is no more. Christian Rawk and Phil Colinswood have amicably parted ways with Phallice to answer the call of duty. Carbondale Community Theater has commissioned Rawk and Colinswood to play the North Going Zax and the South Going Zax respectively, in a live action rendition of the Doctor Suess classic. Rawk says, "It was a dream finally realized for both Phil and I. Plus, its not like we were exactly reeling in the 'tang being in the Buddy System." The play, sponsored by the Illinois Council for literacy, will play until one of the Zax succumbs to illness, starvation, or dies from exposure to the elements. Then, once the body naturally decomposes enough for the other Zax to walk over without moving a step to the East or West, the other will receive a star on the Carbondale walk of fame. "I'm excited for them" Says Cooper, "And I'm excited for me getting all the credit for the band's early success." Filling the clear suits will be MC Hesher and Dwight Strok'um. They were picked at random immediately after the original members broke the news, proving Cooper's "Go ahead and leave assholes, I'll get the first two schmucks I see on the street to replace you" statement amazingly accurate. But with destruction comes creation. Will the new line up measure up, or fall flaccidly limp, dangling pathetically until forced off the stage? Only time will tell.
The 7th Beatle (or the fourth Beast)
The Beast Infection is proud to announce the arrival of its newest member T.O.M. a.k.a. Stone J Minks. T.O.M. is the by-product of a cloning experiment gone horribly wrong. Phallice Cooper was just trying to get out of jury duty, and with a couple vials, a donation, and an eerie, inexplicable smell of sulfur, T.O.M. was born.
Unfortunately for Phallice, T.O.M. was the worst manservant ever. You see T.O.M. really enjoyed jury duty, as he did his subsequent visits to the DMV, the Post Office, and various other government offices, as it satiates two of T.O.M.'s passions- dressing business casual and standing in line. However, no matter which method of negative reinforcement Phallice tried, whenever T.O.M. was given the "Beer Me" command, the cans always got there empty, and more often than not, thrown. After a infamous incident referred by the Beast Infection as the "really awkward, mm4wc, no heavies, day" T.O.M. was thrown out of Phallices pad, and forced to squat at the rehearsal space, living off of leftover pizza crusts.
Luckily for T.O.M., MC Hesher and Dwight Strokeum really took to the kid. They really enjoyed dressing T.O.M. up in Izod shirts, trimming his beard, and teaching him swears. Then one day, T.O.M. picked up a bass, and through shear instinct (or was it just pure chance?) belted out the riff to Eddie Money's "Take me home tonite". The rest is history.